emotional vomit.

Right now I can feel my little monkey squirming around inside of me. I’m just a couple days away from being full-term and for really the first time in this pregnancy I’m a little anxious.  Not about his health or my health or anything normal moms worry about, but that my family won’t get to experience him in the beginning.

I know it’s pretty typical that your first born is late, and I’m ok with that, but I’m not okay with my mom and other family members flying from all over America to witness this little one’s first days in life and not be able to see them because he wants to bake a little longer.

Tomorrow I have my first appointment where my doctor will be checking out the nether-regions to predict when he’ll come. I’m going to talk to her about all this jazz, not like she can do a whole lot about it, unless we she just induces me if he doesn’t seem to be coming before the fam leaves. But I just feel sad thinking about it.  Knowing that I live so far away from my family and, if we’re lucky, Flint will get to see his grandparents once a year.  My grandma was such a big part of my life growing up and I’d love for my mom (who is one of my best friends) to have that experience, too.

I know what my mother would say to all this, “You just need to move closer!”  And as much as I’d love to, the hubs and I have no idea where we will be in the future. We have lots of plans and dreams for what we would love to happen, but no clear pull in any direction. So…for the time being, we will just stay put in the middle of cotton fields and dream about going other places.

I know that God has a plan for our life. Even if it’s just staying where we are. It hurts my heart to think that may be the reality sometimes. Not because where we are is bad in any way, but I guess I just feel discontent with the idea of staying here for the rest of our lives.  It’s definitely not what I had ever envisioned.  But whose life is?  Who can say that their life turned out exactly as they dreamed?

But I am thankful for the way things have turned out that are so different than how I had envisioned. I was convinced I was going to marry a very great guy from college, but it turned out God gave me someone better. Someone who I would have never pictured for myself. A shy, kind-hearted cowboy. He definitely wasn’t in my plans.  God has given me several desk jobs. In college I swore that I would never have a job where I had to wear anything professional and be at work from 8-5. I’m not sure what I planned on doing, but I’m pretty sure it consisted of just reading books all day.  And since I’ve graduated college I’ve had a few different jobs that are exactly the typical “desk job.”  But I’ve loved them. I’ve loved my bosses and the environments, and God has used those experiences to teach me how to be disciplined. Something I really struggle with.

And there are so many other ways that I have been blindsided by surprises in this life, but everything always works out for the good, even if the surprise wasn’t very good.

As my mama would say, “Perspective changes everything when really nothing has changed at all.”

So I know that this little bit of anxiety with Flint not meeting my family will dissipate.  I know that everything will work out great. I know he is going to be such a huge blessing…one that I could have never imagined on my own.  So I will cast this silly care onto God. He cares for me, and Flint, and all my family members more than I could even begin to describe.  He is continually drawing us to him with his loving kindness.  But the question is will I choose to rest in that loving kindness or continue to hold on to my worry that helps nothing at all for tomorrow, and really only ruins today?

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